Your web-browser is very outdated, and as such, this website may not display properly. Please consider upgrading to a modern, faster and more secure browser. Click here to do so.
THIS RECAP IS SUPER LATE BECAUSE THE PLACE WHERE WE USUALLY GET PHOTOS WAS BROKEN AND ALSO MY MIND DIED. enjoy
I’m a massive asshole and totally didn’t even notice the time. Somehow, by the time I tuned into the game at 10:19PM, the game already had two goals. And then Glass fought someone named Maroon. The Pens are getting outshot 6-1 and they have a goal on their only shot from…Deryk Engelland? Okay.
Here’s how it went down. I’m failing. Kim has been picking up my slack the last 3 games and reminding you all what an unbelievable princess she is. And I’m just a scrub. A scrub drinking beer alone in her room. Roll out that red carpet for me.
Late night hockey can be trying for us poor east coast bastards. We swap out our liquor for coffee with liquor and pray that our poor little souls can keep it together late enough to follow what is happening on the ice. Petition to transport all east coast fans to the west coast for games with our teams?
Are there any bored millionaires out there who would accept the payment of watching us eat a banana in slow motion? No? Ugh. Load the streams and pour the coffee, it’s gonna be a late night with the Sharks.
The Penguins acquired (wait for it) (as if you don’t already know) Lee Stempniak and Marcel Goc.
Stempniak in Calgary the last few seasons:
Obviously Calgary is trash, but what stands out to us is his relatively high amount of ice time over the last few seasons. If he can be counted on to play reliably on regular shifts, we’re down. Ignore his +/-. Calgary is the worst.
If Lee Stempniak were a kitten, we think he’d be this one:
Marcel Goc is a bit of a more interesting acquisition. He kills at faceoffs and is basically considered a shutdown center. Unsure how he will be played since the Pens always seem to have 4893432095890324023 guys (approx. estimation) who can “play center or wing” and they tend to play really weird guys at center (obviously the top six notwithstanding). Brandon Sutter is pretty much considered the de facto third line center of the Pens, and he wasn’t dealt, despite expectations that he might be. Could be that the Pens are trying to solidify the hell out of the bottom six and maybe turn the third and fourth lines into some kind of iron wall that won’t just be “tough to play against” in terms of hitting and intangibles, but actually provide some skill to create turnovers and actually go the other way with them. Keep in mind that the Pens’ bottom six, right now, play 10-12 minutes a night and just try not to fuck up most of the time. Dan Bylsma’s irregular habits of shuffling lines and creating matchups (WILL HE OR WON’T HE???? TUNE IN TONIGHT!!!!) don’t lend well to this. Depth players like Stempniak and Goc will in theory make all four lines of the Penguins harder to play against. If they play Goc at fourth line center, watch the fuck out—that could turn into a legitimate line.
If Marcel Goc were a kitten, he’d be this one:
note how it’s friends with a dog. key.
We didn’t have the time to obsessively watch Twitter all day yesterday but we’re kind of glad we didn’t because Kesler didn’t move and that’s about as exciting as life could have potentially gotten.
Dan Ellis and Roberto Luongo is the new goaltending duo in Florida, perhaps the two most opposite goalie Twitter personalities of all time becoming one delicious, glorious, awkward social mess. We secretly like Florida and we wish Lu all the best.
If you need something to really put you asleep before bedtime, check it out: http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/transactions/
Go Pens. Tonight at 10:30 vs. San Jose. Let’s hope we keep the good feelings in our hearts.
Signs that tonight’s game will be interesting, if not a little grating:
- Stress about tomorrow is at fever pitch. We’ll spare you the speculation. It’s plentiful elsewhere and makes us want to rip our chest cavities open.
- Before puck drop, Steiggy and Bobby both have used the term “Smashville” several times. Can we not.
- PEKKARINNE is Bobby’s FedorTyutin. He’s also 51 games cold from a hip injury way-back-when, but not someone we want to underestimate. We expect him to show up in a big way for his return.
But let’s relax for a little bit and prepare ourselves emotionally for tomorrow while enjoying what will hopefully be a solid game and not the clusterfuck of crushed dreams like the past few games have been. …yaaaay!
ALSO IMPORTANT: This man became a father recently.
So I guess we have to talk about that too.
On a typical game night the media struggles to provide us with photos of the actual goals that take place. Not so for the Stadium Series - the media shitriver can’t wait to wash these gemstones ashore.
While it would be fun to throw shade at the Stadium Series all day, we can’t waste our lives getting worried about every idea Gary Bettman has while getting faded in his garage. The real story here is that we got our asses handed to us on a decorative plate and garnished with our dignity by a starry eyed Toews as Plain White T’s sang a song that was as ill conceived and blatantly money grabbing as this whole goddamn thing.
Post coming late tonight about the most pointless outdoor game (descending into tragedy) featuring an esoteric performance by a pop band we all happily forgot about until they were dredged back up like a bloated corpse of a long forgotten serial killing spree.
Somehow, Jeff Jimerson makes “O Canada!” sound less repulsive than it normally would be in these tough times. PK Subban is doing a fucking jig during the Canadian anthem. And a lingering shot of Sidney Crosby seals the deal. This is going to be a difficult and emotional evening. During the US anthem, Dan Bylsma is looking to the digital flags on the scoreboard as if mesmerized by his father’s orders to go to war with an unstoppable evil.
Budaj starts. Let’s go.
So, the Penguins are back tonight, and my preparedness is minimal.
I watched my first NHL game in what felt like millennia last night. Bruins vs. Sabres on NBC. For a game that went to OT, I failed to feel the Deep Feelings that I know hockey can bring me. It was a great time, don’t get me wrong. But it didn’t feel real. Probably because the Sabres were involved though, tbh. So it took some mental gymnastics to come to terms with the fact that the Pens are playing tonight…and then I realized, wait. We’re playing the Habs.
Okay. Feelings are slowly returning.
Key dates and ideas to have in mind as we move forward with the National Hockey League, that deliciously inferior product that we don’t know how to stop eating, like average-ass potato chips or 99 cent coffee:
See you shortly. Go Pens.
oh god we’re not ready for the NHL to come back
on Wednesday we’ll pregame with a drunk blog of the Bruins vs. Sabres game on NBC, over at Stanley Cupcake, with Bruins fan friends.
Zoë will also be beginning coverage elsewhere of the Boston Blades of the CWHL. We’ll update you when that actually happens.
We’ll also come up with some feverish-sounding post about wtf we even do with our lives now that the Olympics are over.
Basically: sit tight.
Go Pens. (uhh)
Page 1 of 16